So Life Goes On

Saturday got off to a good start with all things considering. In the afternoon went shopping in town as I previously thought retail therapy for some practical items for the future might just perk me up. This was a different story however when I was actually there. Just the sight of crispy new pyjmas, slippers and dressing gowns made me feel quite queesy. Took a few deep breaths and trying to think of happier thoughts choose new gear ready for the enivateable hospital stay. I have never left a shopping precinct so fast - I'm sure this made Ian's day!! As the evening had been previously arranged meeting a few friends at a family pub for my birthday celebrations I got ready to go out, but in doing so actually felt nervous and I couldn't fathom out why. It later occured to me these nerves was perhaps due to me facing my diagnosis publically (not that I have kept this a secret, far from it but is different in person with a group of people). Seeing all my friends again put my mind immediately at ease and in good company I was able to laugh, cry, feel angry and fustrated all at the same time! I also caught up with previous work colleagues and with an impromptu dressing change from the wound site saw the wound from the op for the first time. My friend assured me that the wound was clean and dry and looked good but when I looked in the mirror the reflection that I saw made me feel physically sick. Funny how being a nurse and seeing quite literally all bodily sites from surgery can have a such a dramatic effect on how you view your own body from surgery. This is not a nice thought when knowing the type of surgery I need. After catching up with many friends we walked home loaded with flowers, bottles of booze and extremely large boxes of chocolates - wonder how my friends knew what I liked!!

Sunday moring and I was woken with a cup of tea and lots of cards and presents from the family as it was my birthday. Went into London to Camden - weather was cold but the sun was shining. Shopped, had a lovley dinner with meaningful conversation and even more presents that ended with donougts for pudding from a stall outside! The weather changed to heavy rain so running back to the car we drove home. As I had borrowed a music CD I felt in the mood to play this lould and to exercise cautiously thinking this might help with my arm rehabilitation. Thankfully I was right and after an hour of (very carefully) using my exercise routine my arm from the surgery felt considerably less tight and more mobile. A relaxed evening was had by all and I managed to resist opening my large box of chocolates (much to the children's disappointment!) Overall, I have felt in a fairly upbeat mood. How long this will last no-one knows but whilst the mood with all of us has been quite good I have taken advantage of this - mostly by taking the mickey out of myself and joking to hubby that when the op is over I will have to get a bell - so he can be at my beckon call and on demand. I just knew there was some benefits to this situation!

The outcome

The phone rang at 9am - grabbed it in my sleep praying it was the hospital. It was. Given an appointment at 11.45- asked if the results was there and was told hesitantly that indeed the results was in. Put the phone down and just sat on the bed feeling at first numb then sad. Took a hold of myself, phoned hubby at work to let him know as he wanted to come with me and had a bath. Got to the hospital at 11.40am to see a notice saying there was a delay of up to 90 minutes. Great - just what I needed - plenty of time with nothing to do and anxious of getting the results. 90 minutes came and went. At 1.30pm I felt like standing up and shouting as my anxiety was by now getting the better of me. 1.45pm and was eventually called in. Not the best start with the locum doctor as I demanded my results stating I had been waiting for 2 hours. The usual breast cancer specialist nurse was present too and they both delivered the results - out of the 4 lymph nodes that had been removed from the surgery one had been shown to be cancer positive - meaning that the cancer had spread. The next few minutes was a complete mix of sadness, anger and non-belief on my part - felt like someone had used a large hard instrument and hit me clean on the back of the head that left me feeling completely numb. I heard Ian aksking questions and he appeared quite matter-of-fact. The outcome of this result is that radiotherapy and chemotherapy will be a part of the treatment reigeme for at least 6 months and for immediate reconstruction would require my own body tissue being used - something that I have tried to avoid this entire journey. I could opt for a reconstruction in 2 years time but the way I see it is to get all surgery over and done with at the same time for lots of different reasons. So, there we have it. One bloody node - why couldn't it have been all the lymph nodes that has been affected - that way it would at least make all this effort worthwhile?!
 
Got home in a complete state of anger. Ian by this time had absorbed the information and wasn't looking quite as confident - in fact didn't mind admitting to me that he was scared - in particular of this tissue flap for reconstruction. Tried to find a focus by looking at a couple of positives - didn't really last long though. Both our heads was in a state of shock. I think looking back that this news was more shocking to us than me being diagnosed with cancer. Trying to find a bit of normality I suggested we go shopping - via one of our favourite watering houses! So, inbetween getting children ready, shopping lists and phoning my mum to tell her the news I quickly posted a comment on facebook - and got out the house. I was surprised at some of the texts we had from our friends once they read my facebook status and after a couple of lenghty emails knew that it was because in a funny way they was caring - and hurting too from this devastating news.

Don't really know how to get through the next few weeks - which is when I believe I will have the surgery. Know I have lots of support but don't know how I will mentally get through this. I will continue to try the one-day-at-a-time philsophy but sometimes that can be very hard. Still feel utterly numb. Don't know what to think either. My god, at this rate the amount of chocolate I need to take my mind off things I WILL be the size of a mountain!!!

So....

Have continued to feel incredibly low the past couple of days. Got myself out earlier today in an attempt to walk into town as was a  nice day - didnt go far though as every step I took put pressure on the surgical site that lead to pain in my arm, hand and fingers. Went to a local shop instead and took a very slow walk home. Did feel better for being out and about. This wait for results feels like some kind of sentence that needs to be carried out that I am not in control of. Got some good things to look forward to this weekend, including my birthday, but feel this will be completely overshadowed if these results do not come in by Friday. I would like to say though that throughout all of this my 13 year old son has been extremely supportive, including cooking a full meal for the family whilst I was asleep, and happy to cook all the family meals - a massive thankyou to my Charlie! Evening was slightly better - felt I could contribute more towards daily activities that made me feel more human and in the living. Still no news of hospital appointment for results - so here's to hoping. A nice cup of tea with an evening of our favourite TV drama and maybee I might just have to break open the chocolate! Until tomorrow..

Hospital procedure

Well, arrived at the hospital at 8 o'clock, booked in and shown to the waiting area. A few minutes passed with me making jokes as to how many staff I recognised (had previously worked in all areas and got to know quite a few people) when a tall man called my name and approached our direction. This was the anaethetist I had worked with, although he said he didn't recognise me with clothes on (meaning civvy and not uniform!) At this point said goodbyes to the family with hubby saying he would call midday for an update. Was escorted to my bed space and when all paperwork and visits from the healthcare team completed (saw another colleague who was also very surprised to see me) I was given pre-meds to help with relaxation as I was going to have a general anaesthetic. Bloody marvellous - in bed, not really caring and a very mellow mood. Can't really remember the trip into theatres but then remember being in theatre and aware of what room we are in (I had previously watched theatre cases as a student - could even remember what procedure I saw - fortunately not the same procedure as I can also remember observing with my legs crossed and a tear in my eye!) Then my lovley anaethetist told me happy dreams - and I was out like a light.

Someone calling my name - suddenly I was in the recovery room - did I hear someone else saying 'hi honey, sorry to see you in here'. Not surprising as I had also spend time with the recovery staff & nurses and made good friends there too. Can't really remember anything else there.

On the ward - drifting in and out of sleep and feeling very woozy. When I was awake enough it then registered how much pain I had around the armpit to the base of the breast area, obviously the site of the surgery. Had liquid morphine to settle the pain which worked. I was aware of the time now around 3 ish and hubby would want to know when I was ready to go home. But I didn't feel ready - not at all as still felt extremely wobbly on my legs and an uncontrollable desire to sleep. Sister was very good saying I could stay overnight, but ultimately it was my choice when I go home. I decided the sensible option, saw hubby at visiting time explaining would stay overnight and be ready for discharge at 9 the following morning. Had an ok ish night but was disturbed by the pain from the surgery, rang the bell and yet another nurse I knew came over. Had more morphine - and a friendly chat with this nurse who said she couldn't believe it was me on the ward - also shared a few tears and hugs which made me feel human again. Eventually got back to sleep with difficulty and woke up around 6 ish. Felt much better and by 8 had confirmed my discharge with Sister. Noticed by this time the top of my arm, armpit, side and shoulder was completely numb, but felt pain around the breast and armpit area. With my tablets the hospital staff gave me I was ready for home around 9am.

At home I didn't quite know what to do with myself. Eventually tiredness took over and I had a sleep for a couple of hours. Had lunch and felt again wasn't quite sure what to do so decided to curl up on the couch with a pillow and blanket. By 7ish hubby woke me for dinner. Ate, tidied up as best as possible and settled into watching TV with the family. Felt many low periods during the afternoon. Now this procedure is over I need to wait for the results - which I believe the earliest will be on Friday. These results will determine the treatment options/choices from the mastectomy. Feel like I'm in no-mans-land, hurting, low mood and really don't know what to do/think. Once those results are out I can begin to start planning and making the best of the situation. However I feel like I'm in limbo and these next few days will surely drag out.


I have found this posting very difficult to write which is only a reflection of my mood. But in doing so has again strangeley helped me accept and come to terms with matters that is difficult for me. For my friends out there who are sharing the same journey - remember you are not alone. Share your thoughts. Share your emotions. Share anything if you can - even if you think these are not good to share. As I have discovered in this messed-up life to do the things which helps you to come to terms with prevents you from battling against the one person you really do not want to battle against - yourself.

Update

Hi all, Ian here.

Just to let you all know, Sian went in to hospital today for her lymph node check. It was done under general anaesthetic and, although she is fine, she is still a bit groggy so is staying in overnight.

No results as yet, probably will not know for a few days.

She'll be back home in the morning and I'm sure will update the blog later in the day.

Thanks everyone for reading, I know Sian does take a lot of comfort and support from you all.

?????

Today has been quite a difficult day for me (Saturday). Not that I have had bad news, on the contrary with yesterdays appointment but have felt several periods of utter sadness, which has been difficult to control with my children arround but they have been brilliant ('bout only time they are good!) So many highs and lows. Been thinking lots of my friends who has also been affected. Also thinking of the biospy on Monday. Still don't know exactly what treatment/surgery I am having. Another friend previously affected sent me some wise words - until you know what your'e facing your mind will be all over the place. How very true.

This time tomorrow hopefully I would have had the biopsy procedure completed - on the other hand might not as I'm being added as an extra to the list. For some reason I still feel quite low - knowing that things appear favourable is not the same as knowing this to be a fact and is 100 percent true. My mind keeps flicking to tomorrow - looking forward to this long wait for treatment options to be over but feel quite anxious at the same time. Nothing else really to say at this time - other than the next time I blog will be after the biopsy. Please keep any comments comming - as I have previously said to so many of you these comments keeps my mind positive and focused and hopefully others who may be going through this journey (as I am aware too many of us are) can also gain from this support and advice too.

So - of course - will blog again soon!

Appointment

Arrived for my appointment in plenty of time. Was there for only a few minutes when I did a complete double-take - one of my colleagues who I used to work with was checking in at the desk. Surely, no. But sadly, yes,my friend too had also been diagnosed with breast cancer. We sat waiting, chatting about everything and I was eventually called in. The consultant clearly explained about the cancer itself as I requested information regarding implants versus tissue reconstruction. It was at this point we had our first beam of light. As the cancer I have is small, it would be unlikely (in the consultant's opinion) that any radiotherapy or chemotherapy would be required post surgery and that the surgery itself would be enough to prevent the spread (metastasis). I am going in on Monday to have a small op to confirm this - called a sentinal node biopsy in which a few axillary nodes are removed. If the results from this are positive, it shows the cancer has spread, or likley to be spread and this will call for a course of radio or chemotherapy. If the result is negative this shows the cancer is not likley to spread at all, and in this case the implants can be used as radiotherapy is not required. Such relief to be informed that the spread is very unlikley and I may not be looking at any other treatment than the surgery itself. Certainly, my husband was extremely relieved to hear this and it lifted the mood from both of us immediately. However there is one small concern I have - although this consultant has clearly pushed the boundaries to ensure the biopsy occurs as soon as possible, it was himself who at the very beginning prior to diagnosis informed me the small lump in my breast was "strongly suspected as being a cyst". So, I have very good news that is clouded with a few doubts. Will have results from biopsy late next week so will know more then.

Came back from appointment with a message from another one of my friends - who after learning of my diagnosis has shared with me that she too has also been diagnosed with breast cancer. Unbelievable. 

I have a very simple message to spread to my female readers - check, check and check. This is the only way that this horrible disease is discovered unless through a routine mamogram. Looks favourable that I may not have to endure other therapies that have undesirable side effects as I found this lump early. And if you do find a lump, chances are that is may not be cancerous but needs to be checked early - as I have found out. I may have saved myself a lot of worry that includes financial loss due to being checked by health care professionals early.  If readers have more information on getting checked early, please post onto comments as this may be helpful to many others out there.

Until the next time...