Well, I thought I wasnt going to write any more posts since my last one nearly a year ago. Have thought about posting only once or twice during the year but I find myself writing this blog at just gone 2 in the morning after feeling really down and can't sleep. Don't know why really. Part of the course? Or have I fallen victim of perhaps less intervention from the docs and starting to get over this beast?
Life has been good, really good. Sure, the normal ups and downs of a family life but has mostly been pretty positive. End of last year I was on a phased return to work and was full-time by Christmas. All good there. Early new year hubby and I booked a weekend break at a spa hotel to celebrate coming out of the other side. Still had a PICC line in place (intravenous access for 3 weekly herceptin treatment)- and, of course I should have known better NOT to have used their swimming pool and jacuzi, so I find out the hard way (whilst gaining more valuable patient experience) of how ill I can become as my PICC line got infected with psudomonas, bacteremia as well as 2 other infections. Hey - I may be a nurse and should have known better, but I now have valuable lessons to pass on to others whilst deepening my experience as a patient!!!
So, thats right, back to square one in March after being hospitalised for 2 weeks. Was instructed to take a further 6 weeks off work, so my phased return to work started AGAIN May and was full time end of June.
Went away on holiday with the family for a week in August, slapped factor 30 suncream on at least 4-5 times per day, whilst reading the book fifty (the majority of female holidaymakers also reading Grey - hmm!) and developed quite a tan for me - oh dear, what will my oncologist make of this (due to the radiotherapy I had last year skin can become phototoxic). Actually, in his words, his response was 'as long as you were sensible, life is too short not to enjoy doing what you like' - I'm happy with this 'cause I sure love the sun!!
The good news is that my PICC line was removed months ago - no more
herceptin as have had the 12 monthly treatments. And I can go swimming
whenever I feel like it. And my hair has grown, so much so I have to
strighten it daily (my hair is naturally kinky curly). Even got enough
of it to have bad hair days. The only reminders I have of going through
cancer is the tightness of the mastectomy site which is still numb
around the whole chest and arm area, 6 monthly check-ups and, of course a
missing boob - which is going under reconstruction next year. So, a
boob-job on the NHS is available. Wouldn't recommenend it though - hell of a journey just for that!
So, can't put my finger on why I feel down. Think the old confidence has taken a massive sky-dive at work. I seem to be beating up on things I can't do and forget the things I can do. I know this - I'm even writing about it. But work today (yesterday) has left me feeling I'm useless, despite me taking my worries to my nurse in charge who amongst my colleagues and senior members of staff have said I'm doing ok. Why do I feel so rubbish? I love my work, all I want to do is my absolute best for my patient who I'm charged with looking after on my shift - then feel useless that I'm not doing that. Oh, talk about beating yourself up, but can't stop.Still feel low - hopefully sleep now (as it has gone 3 in the morning!) and a better day tomorrow.
X
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
Friday, 6 January 2012
New Year, New Me!
6th January 2012 - its been nearly 3 months since I have last blogged. Just re-read my last entry to see where I was on my 'journey'. I can't believe how fast things have changed - as well as how fast time has gone, especially when considering my diagnosis was nearly a year ago.
My life over the last 3 months has consisted mostly of building up my initial part-time hours at work to full time. I started full time (3 x 12 hour shifts weekly) just before christmas. I took a short break between christmas and new year and resumed back to normal shifts - apart from this week which I have taken as annual leave. I was informed a couple of weeks ago that I have over 200 hours of annual leave to use before 1st April which has been accrued during my sick leave. I must admit I hadn't even thought that I would be entitled to any leave during my absence so even if I lose some holiday I won't be too upset. I just feel grateful that I am now 'well' enough to return to full-time work - even if at times it can be stressful, extremely technological and physically and emotionally draining.
As for my treatment - I still have 3 weekly intravenous herceptin, which is now administered by nurses at home. I don't seem to have any major side-effects from this so this has become a part of my life. I also have regular echo's (scan of the heart) as the previous effects of herceptin caused the heart to function abnormally, although all is ok at the moment. I take daily tablets of tamoxifen and a beta-blocker (for the heart), again with no real side effects to shout about. As chemo was now many months ago (thank god!) my hair is really growing back with vengeance - apart from its shortness the only thing that has changed is the hair feels quite soft. I even have the slight curl back - which is a damm nuisance as its too short to straighten it!!
When I look back and think about only a few months ago I now can't believe what I have been through. I know people have told me how strong I have been with everything but I couldn't see that then. I now feel a completely different person to how I was most of last year. I feel like - me. There are, of course, subtle changes - like I now get extremely tired very quickly after working, or doing something strenuous, needing sometimes over 9 hours of sleep when I'm not working, not being able to use my left arm properly as I still have little feeling in the upper arm to chest area and this is obviously quite weak, and not being able to move and handle properly within the work environment. But all these things I have learnt to adjust so I can continue. I have even started back to my normal routine of exercising - although I have left out press-ups as I was told off by a nurse who was checking for lymphodema (swelling of the arm) and was surprised I continued when I had pain in my arm!
I have much to live for and I fully intend to grab as much of life as I can. That's what happens when your life is shaken up like this - you realise what your real priorities are and forget about anything that isn't important to you. After beating this battle, I've come out of it stronger and more determined - so you know who will come off worse with other battles - it certainly won't be me! At the stroke of midnight on new years eve we let off a huge rocket with all the bad stuff written on the stick of the firework - and sent it into oblivion. Goodbye all the bad and horrible stuff, welcome new year, new me!
My life over the last 3 months has consisted mostly of building up my initial part-time hours at work to full time. I started full time (3 x 12 hour shifts weekly) just before christmas. I took a short break between christmas and new year and resumed back to normal shifts - apart from this week which I have taken as annual leave. I was informed a couple of weeks ago that I have over 200 hours of annual leave to use before 1st April which has been accrued during my sick leave. I must admit I hadn't even thought that I would be entitled to any leave during my absence so even if I lose some holiday I won't be too upset. I just feel grateful that I am now 'well' enough to return to full-time work - even if at times it can be stressful, extremely technological and physically and emotionally draining.
As for my treatment - I still have 3 weekly intravenous herceptin, which is now administered by nurses at home. I don't seem to have any major side-effects from this so this has become a part of my life. I also have regular echo's (scan of the heart) as the previous effects of herceptin caused the heart to function abnormally, although all is ok at the moment. I take daily tablets of tamoxifen and a beta-blocker (for the heart), again with no real side effects to shout about. As chemo was now many months ago (thank god!) my hair is really growing back with vengeance - apart from its shortness the only thing that has changed is the hair feels quite soft. I even have the slight curl back - which is a damm nuisance as its too short to straighten it!!
When I look back and think about only a few months ago I now can't believe what I have been through. I know people have told me how strong I have been with everything but I couldn't see that then. I now feel a completely different person to how I was most of last year. I feel like - me. There are, of course, subtle changes - like I now get extremely tired very quickly after working, or doing something strenuous, needing sometimes over 9 hours of sleep when I'm not working, not being able to use my left arm properly as I still have little feeling in the upper arm to chest area and this is obviously quite weak, and not being able to move and handle properly within the work environment. But all these things I have learnt to adjust so I can continue. I have even started back to my normal routine of exercising - although I have left out press-ups as I was told off by a nurse who was checking for lymphodema (swelling of the arm) and was surprised I continued when I had pain in my arm!
I have much to live for and I fully intend to grab as much of life as I can. That's what happens when your life is shaken up like this - you realise what your real priorities are and forget about anything that isn't important to you. After beating this battle, I've come out of it stronger and more determined - so you know who will come off worse with other battles - it certainly won't be me! At the stroke of midnight on new years eve we let off a huge rocket with all the bad stuff written on the stick of the firework - and sent it into oblivion. Goodbye all the bad and horrible stuff, welcome new year, new me!
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