Down days

Well, I thought I wasnt going to write any more posts since my last one nearly a year ago. Have thought about posting only once or twice during the year but I find myself writing this blog at just gone 2 in the morning after feeling really down and can't sleep. Don't know why really. Part of the course? Or have I fallen victim of perhaps less intervention from the docs and starting to get over this beast?

Life has been good, really good. Sure, the normal ups and downs of a family life but has mostly been pretty positive. End of last year I was on a phased return to work and was full-time by Christmas. All good there. Early new year hubby and I booked a weekend break at a spa hotel to celebrate coming out of the other side. Still had a PICC line in place (intravenous access for 3 weekly herceptin treatment)- and, of course I should have known better NOT to have used their swimming pool and jacuzi, so I find out the hard way (whilst gaining more valuable patient experience) of how ill I can become as my PICC line got infected with psudomonas, bacteremia as well as 2 other infections. Hey - I may be a nurse and should have known better, but I now have valuable lessons to pass on to others whilst deepening my experience as a patient!!!

So, thats right, back to square one in March after being hospitalised for 2 weeks. Was instructed to take a further 6 weeks off work, so my phased return to work started AGAIN May and was full time end of June.

Went away on holiday with the family for a week in August, slapped factor 30 suncream on at least 4-5 times per day, whilst reading the book fifty (the majority of female holidaymakers also reading Grey - hmm!) and developed quite a tan for me - oh dear, what will my oncologist make of this (due to the radiotherapy I had last year skin can become phototoxic). Actually, in his words, his response was 'as long as you were sensible, life is too short not to enjoy doing what you like' - I'm happy with this 'cause I sure love the sun!!

The good news is that my PICC line was removed months ago - no more herceptin as have had the 12 monthly treatments. And I can go swimming whenever I feel like it. And my hair has grown, so much so I  have to strighten it daily (my hair is naturally kinky curly). Even got enough of it to have bad hair days. The only reminders I have of going through cancer is the tightness of the mastectomy site which is still numb around the whole chest and arm area, 6 monthly check-ups and, of course a missing boob - which is going under reconstruction next year. So, a boob-job on the NHS is available. Wouldn't recommenend it though - hell of a journey just for that!


So, can't put my finger on why I feel down. Think the old confidence has taken a massive sky-dive at work. I seem to be beating up on things I can't do and forget the things I can do. I know this - I'm even writing about it. But work today (yesterday) has left me feeling I'm useless, despite me taking my worries to my nurse in charge who amongst my colleagues and senior members of staff have said I'm doing ok. Why do I feel so rubbish? I love my work, all I want to do is my absolute best for my patient who I'm charged with looking after on my shift - then feel useless that I'm not doing that. Oh, talk about beating yourself up, but can't stop.Still feel low - hopefully sleep now (as it has gone 3 in the morning!) and a better day tomorrow.

X