Challenging times

Went to work yesterday - the first shift back since having the op for the removal of my lymph nodes. The first hour was bad enough but the second hour almost became unbearable. Don't get me wrong - nothing negative about the shift but was only down to how I have been feeling. On my break I spoke to a member of training staff who was extremely supportive. I spoke of me fearing losing newly gained nursing skills and becoming bored during the months of chemo. My colleague suggested that I attend future training sessions and gave over 2 more rather large workbooks for me to complete when I was fit and ready to do so. This really helped - even though I have just nearly completed 3 other workbooks this will give me a focus in the months to come. The rest of the shift became slightly easier but I was mentally struggling. It then dawned on me that I was struggling with being a patient as well as being a nurse - and this thought echoed throught the entire shift. After work I met a friend and together we went to the breast cancer support club that was suggested by the specialist nurse so I can chat to other women who has gone through was I am considering. I found this extremely helpful with these ladies providing insight information on surgery, tissue flap, chemo etc. After I got home I  realised that these women with or without hats to obvious hair loss from chemo is how I will be. This was quite sobering but is not my greatest concern from chemo. Chatted with Ian about this - hair loss maybe a superficial part of anyone but as Ian feels this will affect me on a deeper level has consequently felt quite distraught at this. After a few tears we shared a common joke of both of us being baldies in the house!!

Thursday morning - got in work early and chatted to the matron of the unit. I explained my feelings of not being able to be a nurse as well as a patient and I felt that this was to be my last shift. This was agreed, accepted and I was offered to go home if I wanted. I expressed I wanted to work this last shift and in my own way I also wanted to say good-bye to a few people before leaving. Talking throughout the shift to other nurses, doctors, previous students and senior collegues I had an overwhelming feeling of being incredibly supported and with genuine concern. I knew however I had made the right decision to leave. So making the most of the shift I completed one of my workbooks, laughed, cried, and said my goodbyes. Got home and I knew Ian had been struggling throughout the day with how he was feeling towards this situation and so did my best to support him. Ian informed me that he had read another person's blog that was more reality focused. Having this sort of information is good if you can take this on-board and not let this become your only focus (which I realise this is easier said than done) so we laughed it off as best as we could. I also chatted about thoughts of getting my hair cut short (I like the Emma Watson's new look) in the next week. Having thought about it carefully as my current hair is bra-length, this will only get in the way after the op so will have to keep it tied up. As for washing/drying/strightening - forget it, in particular the trouble I had doing this after the last op. So, getting my hair cut now will be much easier to manage as well as minimum to deal with when my hair does start falling out. Sobering thoughts - but in the fight to beat this illness called cancer this is do-able. As for my decision from my last blog - latissiums dorsi flap reconstruction. Whatever I decide will most definately require more future surgery so might as well have an immediate as opposed to delayed reconstruction.

Just realised what a lengthy and wordy entry this is - oh well, won't be like that next time as won't have much to write about now work has finished (yeah, right!)  So to prevent any further boredom from setting in I will sigm off now!