Tuesday 1 March 2011
Eh - Still feeling good?/Decisions
So far its been 4 days inclusive that I am feel in good spirits - whats this all about? When looking back I believe this is more to do with the fact of since finding out the results on Friday, despite this not being the best news I am now able to make decisions of future surgery based upon this information. As I have found out today from another appointment with the plastic surgeon and breast nurse I feel I am now in a position to take on board information that will enable me to make these decisions instead of dealing with the numbness that comes from shock after shock. Friday last week still feels like a complete bombshell and by far this was the most shocking news we had to take on-board. Decision-time soon then. This is when I have to inform the nurse/consultant as soon as possible my decision of the surgery - mastectomy with delayed reconstruction (breast reconstructed at least 18 months post op) or mastectomy with immediate latissimus dorsi reconstruction (tissue used from my back to reconstruct) Been through both options in-depth with hubby this evening but I can't help feeling I have missed some information so will leave this to the sub-conscious and mull over the next day or so - although I do currently have a strong notion on what my choice will be. The appointment we had today has left both myself and Ian feeling very enlightened. This has resulted in Ian feeling better at discussing/thinking over options so on this account it has been a very good day indeed. Lets hope all this effort results in the right decision made - after all this will affect the rest of my life. I feel confident in making the right decision - just got to make this 100 percent sure. Off to the land of nod now where I can literally sleep on it. Until the next time..
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It’s been a while since I posted here, thought I’d better pull my finger out and write something!
ReplyDeleteAs you would have read from Sian’s posts, we now know pretty much where we stand with everything. The cancer has started to spread and now we’re looking at least six months of Chemo and Radiotherapy following the surgery.
So, I’ve put the copy of AutoTrader away, thoughts of buying the convertible ready for the summer now a distant memory, and now I’m concentrating on readying myself to play the supporting role needed for pretty much the rest of the year.
The news last Friday when we found out that a single lymph node contained cancerous cells (after a panicky two hour wait beyond the appointment time), was totally crushing. From the previous week, where the consultant was talking about the chances of the cancer having spread as the tumour was so small, I (maybe too optimistically) was thinking that everything was not as bad as it could be and that once the surgery and it’s associated recovery time was over, we’d be able to get our lives back on track with minimal disruption. Sian would be having the less drastic reconstruction of just an implant and would be back at work after six weeks or so. For me, everything was suddenly looking up. So much for positive thinking, eh? Perhaps I should just fear the worst and if it doesn’t happen, it’ll be a bonus!
You may recall that I have previously mentioned that the reconstruction part of the surgery really did worry me – if they take a chunk out of Sian back to bring round the front, what fills the hole it leaves? Polyfilla? Would she have has a nice bit of cornicing under the arm? After yesterdays appointment with the plastic surgeon (with another wait of over two hours past the scheduled appointment time!!) those fear were somewhat reduced when the full extent of the operation was discussed. I had been thinking along the lines of huge patches of scarring and deep indentations where the tissue had been removed, you would not believe how relieved I was to find out that the two ‘edges’ of the wound would be stretched together and sewn, leaving just a long thin scar.
One thing does worry me is appearing superficial when it comes to things like the scarring and the hair-loss associated with Chemotherapy. It is true that these things worry me but, not in an ‘oh my word, I can’t be seen out with you in that state’ way. The physical appearance really doesn’t bother me. It is when I find myself trying to look at the effects through Sian’s eyes that gets to me every time. How will Sian feel going on holiday and wearing a bikini with the scarring? How will she feel looking in the mirror and not seeing her long hair? The strange thing is, Sian has assured me that these sort of things really do not bother her, so why am I feeling the way I am?
One thing Sian has mentioned is that she is thinking of getting her hair cut a few days before the operation. Talk of a it looking much the same as Emma Watson’s new short style has been heard. Perhaps Sian will consider letting me do it for her, after all, I’ve done my own for years!
‘Good afternoon, madam, what’s it to be? Grade 1 all over?’ Mmmm....pehaps not!
Why now? I’m sitting here at work and suddenly a huge wave of panic has just struck.
ReplyDeleteI think it may be a case of a little reading being a dangerous thing. Over the last day or so, I have been reading the blog of a husband who’s wife was also diagnosed with breast cancer. His writing is superb and has captured everything I am going through. He also talks of the more negative sides of it all, including the very, very worst case scenario. It has made me realise that maybe I am still somewhat in denial about Sian’s breast cancer. That I’m thinking that everything will be fine once the treatment is over and blanking out the fact that we are dealing with what is a disease capable of causing death.
I was talking last night with Sian, and in between bouts of total despair, discussing how I feel totally useless and doubting my ability to cope with having watching everything she is to have to go through over the coming months and not being able to do a thing about it. If only I could swap places or at least take some part of it away.
Sian is feeling so positive at the moment, I feel like I’m letting her down by feeling like this. It seems so unfair of me to be down in this place and relying on Sian to pull me back up with all that she has coming to her. It should be the other way round, me pulling Sian up when she is down and when she has happier times, like now, making full use of that time to have as much fun as possible before the operation.
Roll on lunchtime – for the first time in a long while I’m very grateful to be working in the middle of a nature reserve so I can take myself off and just think and walk.