The first post of this blog i'm afraid does not start at the beginning - which is a very long story (all will be explained later). However this blog is about how i'm feeling now - 10.50pm on a Wednesday evening after being informed yesterday afternoon I have stage 2 of invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer). And those feelings are, perhaps as one would expect, mostly negative - in particular anger at having to face yet another very serious battle in my life. From being told yesterday right up to a couple of hours ago I was feeling, well, its not the best news in the world but certainly not the worst and had quite a positive outlook on the issues involved. However this emotional rollercoaster that seems to attached itself to me has changed this view to now being frustrated, cross, even hostile, and very tired.
My aim with these posts is twofold: firstly to share my experiences with others as a way of raising awareness on some subjects and secondly, in the act of thinking/writing these issues I am able to cope with this situation a little better. I therefore fully intend to post regular posts, the next one will be once I have had a meeting with my seniors to discuss the required extensive time off work - of which I only started a few short months ago.
Until the next time..
Hi, this is Skims other half. I intend to occasionally post here too to share my thoughts and experiences hoping it helps someone who is married or very close to a breast cancer patient.
ReplyDeleteProbably best to start in the middle - sounds strange but, Skims has already mentioned that she'll talk about the beginning at a later date.
So, what does a spouse feel when he's told his wife has breast cancer? To be truthful, there is no definitve answer to that one, it going to depend on the individual. I can only give you my experience. Being the type of person who's motto for living is 'life's larf!' and that any problem in life is best dealt with with a large dose of humour, my first thoughts were to keep a smiling front on it all. We listened to the surgeon talk about the procedures and then the cancer nurse talk about the reconstruction - my first question...could the other (healthy) one be 'enhanced' at the same time!
The first few hours, this approach seemed to be working, comments such as 'everything will be alright, the life insurance is paid up' and telling off the offending tumour kept spirits in both of us high.
Then reality sinks in and you start to read about what is happening and what your wife is going to have to go through. The forced jolity becomes upset, anxiety and fear. I found I couldn't read about the procedures Skims was going to have to go through without breaking down in tears - they scared the life out of me and I couldn't even imagine what she was thinking. I'm not the best with medical procedures when being peformed on people I know anyway - I almost passed out last week during the biopsy even though I couldn't see a thing, just being in the same room was enough - but the thought of what Skims will go through, to be perfectly honest, makes me feel physically sick. Goodness knows what I'm going to be like come the operation itself.
I did try going back to work yesterday, the day after the diagnosis - big mistake - sat at my desk at 9am staring at a blank monitor. Thanks go to a colleague who took it upon herself to speak to my boss and get her to have a word with me. My boss was brilliant, her first words to me were 'what are you doing here?', a question I had been asking myself since arriving in the office! She allowed me to take a few minutes outside and then decide whether to stay and muddel through or go home and get my head around what was happening in peace. I took the latter option and must say that it was definitely the best approach. I'm back in the office today and feel a lot better.
Work have also been fantastic about the time that I will need to take off and my supervisor has already said that Skims is most important thnig right now and is dealing with the necessary arrangements with HR for me. It certainly helps having a supportive company behind me.
Next on the agenda for me is to go with Skims to the appointment with the plastic surgeon next week - hopefully I'll rediscover my more humourous side by then and start putting my ideas forward on a suitable cup size!
One thing this has taught me already - my wife is one incredible and brave woman!