The outcome

The phone rang at 9am - grabbed it in my sleep praying it was the hospital. It was. Given an appointment at 11.45- asked if the results was there and was told hesitantly that indeed the results was in. Put the phone down and just sat on the bed feeling at first numb then sad. Took a hold of myself, phoned hubby at work to let him know as he wanted to come with me and had a bath. Got to the hospital at 11.40am to see a notice saying there was a delay of up to 90 minutes. Great - just what I needed - plenty of time with nothing to do and anxious of getting the results. 90 minutes came and went. At 1.30pm I felt like standing up and shouting as my anxiety was by now getting the better of me. 1.45pm and was eventually called in. Not the best start with the locum doctor as I demanded my results stating I had been waiting for 2 hours. The usual breast cancer specialist nurse was present too and they both delivered the results - out of the 4 lymph nodes that had been removed from the surgery one had been shown to be cancer positive - meaning that the cancer had spread. The next few minutes was a complete mix of sadness, anger and non-belief on my part - felt like someone had used a large hard instrument and hit me clean on the back of the head that left me feeling completely numb. I heard Ian aksking questions and he appeared quite matter-of-fact. The outcome of this result is that radiotherapy and chemotherapy will be a part of the treatment reigeme for at least 6 months and for immediate reconstruction would require my own body tissue being used - something that I have tried to avoid this entire journey. I could opt for a reconstruction in 2 years time but the way I see it is to get all surgery over and done with at the same time for lots of different reasons. So, there we have it. One bloody node - why couldn't it have been all the lymph nodes that has been affected - that way it would at least make all this effort worthwhile?!
 
Got home in a complete state of anger. Ian by this time had absorbed the information and wasn't looking quite as confident - in fact didn't mind admitting to me that he was scared - in particular of this tissue flap for reconstruction. Tried to find a focus by looking at a couple of positives - didn't really last long though. Both our heads was in a state of shock. I think looking back that this news was more shocking to us than me being diagnosed with cancer. Trying to find a bit of normality I suggested we go shopping - via one of our favourite watering houses! So, inbetween getting children ready, shopping lists and phoning my mum to tell her the news I quickly posted a comment on facebook - and got out the house. I was surprised at some of the texts we had from our friends once they read my facebook status and after a couple of lenghty emails knew that it was because in a funny way they was caring - and hurting too from this devastating news.

Don't really know how to get through the next few weeks - which is when I believe I will have the surgery. Know I have lots of support but don't know how I will mentally get through this. I will continue to try the one-day-at-a-time philsophy but sometimes that can be very hard. Still feel utterly numb. Don't know what to think either. My god, at this rate the amount of chocolate I need to take my mind off things I WILL be the size of a mountain!!!