Well, arrived at the hospital at 8 o'clock, booked in and shown to the waiting area. A few minutes passed with me making jokes as to how many staff I recognised (had previously worked in all areas and got to know quite a few people) when a tall man called my name and approached our direction. This was the anaethetist I had worked with, although he said he didn't recognise me with clothes on (meaning civvy and not uniform!) At this point said goodbyes to the family with hubby saying he would call midday for an update. Was escorted to my bed space and when all paperwork and visits from the healthcare team completed (saw another colleague who was also very surprised to see me) I was given pre-meds to help with relaxation as I was going to have a general anaesthetic. Bloody marvellous - in bed, not really caring and a very mellow mood. Can't really remember the trip into theatres but then remember being in theatre and aware of what room we are in (I had previously watched theatre cases as a student - could even remember what procedure I saw - fortunately not the same procedure as I can also remember observing with my legs crossed and a tear in my eye!) Then my lovley anaethetist told me happy dreams - and I was out like a light.
Someone calling my name - suddenly I was in the recovery room - did I hear someone else saying 'hi honey, sorry to see you in here'. Not surprising as I had also spend time with the recovery staff & nurses and made good friends there too. Can't really remember anything else there.
On the ward - drifting in and out of sleep and feeling very woozy. When I was awake enough it then registered how much pain I had around the armpit to the base of the breast area, obviously the site of the surgery. Had liquid morphine to settle the pain which worked. I was aware of the time now around 3 ish and hubby would want to know when I was ready to go home. But I didn't feel ready - not at all as still felt extremely wobbly on my legs and an uncontrollable desire to sleep. Sister was very good saying I could stay overnight, but ultimately it was my choice when I go home. I decided the sensible option, saw hubby at visiting time explaining would stay overnight and be ready for discharge at 9 the following morning. Had an ok ish night but was disturbed by the pain from the surgery, rang the bell and yet another nurse I knew came over. Had more morphine - and a friendly chat with this nurse who said she couldn't believe it was me on the ward - also shared a few tears and hugs which made me feel human again. Eventually got back to sleep with difficulty and woke up around 6 ish. Felt much better and by 8 had confirmed my discharge with Sister. Noticed by this time the top of my arm, armpit, side and shoulder was completely numb, but felt pain around the breast and armpit area. With my tablets the hospital staff gave me I was ready for home around 9am.
At home I didn't quite know what to do with myself. Eventually tiredness took over and I had a sleep for a couple of hours. Had lunch and felt again wasn't quite sure what to do so decided to curl up on the couch with a pillow and blanket. By 7ish hubby woke me for dinner. Ate, tidied up as best as possible and settled into watching TV with the family. Felt many low periods during the afternoon. Now this procedure is over I need to wait for the results - which I believe the earliest will be on Friday. These results will determine the treatment options/choices from the mastectomy. Feel like I'm in no-mans-land, hurting, low mood and really don't know what to do/think. Once those results are out I can begin to start planning and making the best of the situation. However I feel like I'm in limbo and these next few days will surely drag out.
I have found this posting very difficult to write which is only a reflection of my mood. But in doing so has again strangeley helped me accept and come to terms with matters that is difficult for me. For my friends out there who are sharing the same journey - remember you are not alone. Share your thoughts. Share your emotions. Share anything if you can - even if you think these are not good to share. As I have discovered in this messed-up life to do the things which helps you to come to terms with prevents you from battling against the one person you really do not want to battle against - yourself.
I'm so glad this writing is helping in a way hun. I've done a similar thing before. My thoughts are with you and I hope for all the best with your results and treatment. I can't imagine how you feel right now. Just remember to keep helping yourself....in any way you can. Always remember how wonderful you are so when things get too hard you can remember non of this is your fault and you never did anything wrong. No one deserves this and my thoughts go to you coming through this all in due course. I may not have seen you for a while but I am always here for you....keep on shining.
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